The Joy of Marriage - How To Be A Great Wife
Greetings to everyone who desires to see their marriage improve and become everything God has purposed it to be. We must always be willing to do whatever is necessary to see our marriage rise to a higher level. It doesn’t matter how great our marriage is, it can be even better. When we think we have reached the limit of perfection and no longer work in developing our marriages, we stagnate and our marriages begin to deteriorate. In order to keep our marriage relationships growing, we must continue to grow personally through studying and applying God’s Word in our lives. This is true in marriage and every aspect of our Christian walk. In this lesson we will begin by looking at how our actions speak louder than words. This is true in every area, but in no place is it more important than in the marriage and family. Since we have been discussing "How to be a Great Wife" we will apply this to the action of the wife.
In every situation, our actions will speak louder than our words. In 1 Peter 3:1-7 the apostle Peter speaks to wives of non-believing husbands. I believe this can also be applied to the wife who has a believing husband, especially if the husband is not walking faithfully with the Lord. The point Peter is making is that wives will be more successful in influencing their husbands for God if they will allow the gentle and quiet nature of the born-again spirit within them to convince or convict their husbands. This has a greater effect on men than trying to convince them through outside pressure.
Pressure from the outside is usually the wrong kind of pressure. Wives who exert this kind of pressure on their husbands will find it is almost always the wrong kind of influence and usually end up being manipulative through moods, withholding sexual intimacy or just plain, old nagging. You might think this sounds like a man’s point of view but, as we will see in a minute, it is God’s point of view.
Before I leave Peter, let me mention and make clear what Peter is not saying. Many will use this text to say women cannot wear jewelry or makeup. This is not the point Peter is trying to make. He is saying that the wife must trust God to work through her born-again spirit to influence her husband for Christ. A wife will be more successful winning a non-believing husband by allowing the love of God working through her to touch and influence her husband. This does not mean that the wife is to be a doormat for an abusive husband. Neither does it mean that she is to compromise her faith or walk with God. As I have said in an earlier lesson, the wife is never to violate the Word of God no matter what her husband demands. Her first responsibility is to serve and honor God.
The Bible has a lot to say about the conduct of the wife. In the Old Testament we are told that a contentious wife will not accomplish any long lasting good. A definition of contentious is: exhibiting a often perverse and wearisome tendency to quarrels and disputes. In today’s language we might call this nagging. Before I go any further, let me say, yes, men can and do, nag. Maybe as much or more than women. But we have already rebuked the husband for this behavior while we were teaching on "How to be a Great Husband". There are many scriptures that speak to this very clearly and vividly. Let’s look at only a few. Proverbs 19:13 tells us that "the contentions of a wife are a continual dripping". Proverbs 21:9 concludes "It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman". Lastly, we will look at is in Proverbs 21:19 "It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman".
Without question, this truth is relevant to both the husband and the wife. Husbands can be contentious as well. So, men, don’t read this and point to your wife. If you are guilty of the same behavior, you must change as well. The point is, contentious behavior is directed - knowingly or unknowingly - at changing your spouse. Listen carefully. It won’t work. It never has and it never will. Contention only causes more anguish and a determination by the other party to resist this kind of behavior. For this reason, Peter tells the wife to win the husband by allowing the quiet and gentle nature of her born-again spirit to convince and convict her husband. Do this faithfully while serving God, and the Holy Spirit will have an opportunity to bring conviction to your husband.
Let’s talk about some practical things the wife can do to lessen strife in a marriage. This does not relieve the husband from his responsibility, but there are areas for which only the husband or the wife can be responsible. One area I have found in years of counseling and dealing with marriages, is PMS. Pre-menstrual Syndrome is a reality. When this occurs, it changes the hormone balance in the body of a women and she can become a different person. Some women don’t experience much of a change during this time while others experience a major hormone shift that influences their actions. There are some things which can help lessen the effects of PMS. If pre-menstrual symptoms are difficult for you, seek medical help. Watch the kind of food you eat during this time. Certain foods will cause more of a reaction than others. There are books that will help you understand this change and can give advice, both medical and non-medical. But ladies, please recognize at this time of the month, you are not necessarily yourself. If you understand this, you can avoid certain misunderstandings.
Both the husband and wife are responsible to build and develop a Godly marriage, however the Bible teaches that the husband is mainly responsible to make this happen. As stated in an earlier lesson, a husband is responsible to love (agape) his wife regardless of her attitude or response. Love is action. When a husband loves his wife, he is giving of himself in a way that will make a difference in her life, not his. Regardless of how she responds, he is to act toward her the way God acts toward mankind. Wives, be patient. Transformation by God takes time. Mistakes will happen. Be forgiving. Often what I have seen occur, is that the wife becomes frustrated with the slowness of God or she is unwilling to wait the time necessary for God to do a work in her husband. The wife, consciously or unconsciously, attempts to help God by reverting back to her old behavior patterns. We tend to forget that manipulation, pressure, threats, withholding sexual intimacy, control and nagging did not work before. You can be assured that these forms of behavior won’t, all of a sudden, start working now. They are not God’s ways but tools of Satan, and Satan’s purpose is to kill, steal and destroy your marriage.
If we want a God-kind of marriage, we must do it God’s way. When your husband is trying, build him up. Don’t sabotage his attempts. Here’s a good place to practice the fruit of the spirit. The Bible says in Proverbs 18:22 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord". Wives, you are a good thing, and you are the favor your husband has obtained.
Next lesson we will look at how to minister to your husband. Enjoy your marriage. Make sure you are actively involved in a good, Bible-teaching church.