Lesson 2
The Joy of Marriage - The Forgiving Heart
Every marriage will have situations arise that cause hurt feelings. If we are going to have a marriage that survives the challenges of life we must learn the grace of forgiveness. We think that because we were hurt by an action or a word from our spouse, there is no love or understanding. But that’s simply not true. There is no way in any marriage that we can not hurt the one we love in one way or another, sooner or later. Any time two people live together as one, there will be conflict, misunderstanding and even selfish behavior. Though that’s not acceptable between husband and wife, it is a necessary ingredient for the developing of a mature marriage. Remember Proverbs 27:17 says that iron sharpens iron. It’s when these conflicts are left unresolved that pain, bitterness and anger accumulate and grow into an overwhelming burden. A major part of the growing process in marriage is:
1) Learning how not to hurt your spouse.
2) Learning to ask forgiveness when you have caused hurt.
3) Learning how to forgive when you are hurt.
Unforgiveness can and does destroy lives and marriages everyday. But it doesn’t have to. Any couple who is determined to see their marriage survive must be determined to forgive one another. It is a learning process. Forgiveness is sometimes a difficult process, but a necessary one. In fact, without conflict a marriage will not develop to maturity. Let me explain.
I have noticed that there are three phases of marital development. The first phase is the romantic or honeymoon phase. You remember this, don’t you? It’s when you first met and fell in love. This wonderful specimen of a human being was everything you ever dreamed of. They couldn’t do anything wrong. Even their bad habits were overlooked and, in fact, made them even more special in your eyes. But over time your eyes began to open and you saw them as they really are and always were. Flawed.
This is when you began to move into the second phase which I like to call the wilderness phase. Your love for your spouse is being severely tested. Many marriages never make it past this point. There are three choices you can pick at this point. The first seems the easiest but in the long run will be the hardest on everyone involved. That choice is divorce. Instead of working on the marriage, making the changes that are needed in your lives, you leave thinking you will find another who will be perfect. The problem is there is no perfect mate. Your mate becomes perfect as you grow, change and mature into the perfect mate. The next choice in this stage is the attitude of just hanging in there and surviving for the rest of your life. That’s not really surviving. It’s merely dying with your eyes open. This is no way to live. No one benefits and everyone loses. The final and correct choice is to make a decision to do what’s necessary to make your marriage become the best marriage possible. Not just a marriage of survival, but one of love and joy - a marriage worth living.
This, in fact, is the third phase. It happens when you decide to learn how to be a great husband or wife. This third phase in marriage only occurs by learning, understanding and applying the principles found in God’s Word, the Bible. As your mind is renewed and your life transformed by the Word of God, your marriage will become what it should be. Wonderful. This is agape love. Agape love can only come through the developing process of time, difficulties and trials found in marriage. And of course if you do not know and apply forgiveness in your marriage, you will never make it to this place in life. Your marriage can work and be the highlight of your life. It happens when you decide it’s worth the effort. Be determined to make it work.
Oh yes, one more thing. If you have failed in the past, don’t condemn yourself. Begin today. God is a God of love and forgiveness. God bless. We will continue with forgiveness in the next lesson. Terry