True Life Church

The Joy of Marriage - How To Be A Great Husband

Greetings in the Name of Jesus. I hope you had a great Easter. Celebrating the resurrection of Jesus is my favorite Christian holy day. It is the resurrection of Jesus that gives us the ability and power to overcome all trials and be victorious in everything God calls us to do. Salvation is the most obvious and important calling, but this calling also includes having a God-ordained marriage. Marriage is God’s idea. When His plan is followed, our marriages and families are fruitful and become a wonderful experience.

We have been talking about how to be a great husband. As I mentioned in the last lesson, for a man to be the kind of husband God has designed him to be, he must learn to be like Jesus. This, of course, is easier said than done.

In Ephesians 5:22-32 men are instructed "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it.'' How did Jesus love the church? This word for love is the Greek word "agape". Agape is a word characteristic to Christianity. "It expresses the deep and constant love and interest of a perfect being towards entirely unworthy objects, producing and fostering a reverential love in them toward the giver." (notes on Thessalonians by Hogg & Vine pg. 105) It is used to described the attitude of God toward His Son, Jesus in John 17:26; the human race, the unbelievers in John 3:16; His church, the believers in John 14:21; and to reveal His will to His children concerning their attitude toward one another in John 13:34. I know this sounds technical and you might wonder what this has to do with being a good husband. I believe it is very important. This definition of agape helps us understand that love is not just a feeling. In fact, love has nothing to do with feelings. Feelings are an outcome, a fruit of agape love. Love has everything to do with a man’s attitude toward his wife. Agape love is the unselfish sacrifice of putting your wife and her needs before you and your needs, regardless of what your needs are. Agape love has to do with the deep, constant, and unconditional sacrifice of yourself for your wife.

Many times when counseling a couple the husband will say something like, "Well, I’ve been trying to change or do this or that for her, yet she still hasn’t changed or done this or that for me". This response reveals that the man’s purpose for his actions was to get his wife to do what he wanted. Real love does not have this motive at heart. Agape love gives without expecting in return. Now let me make something very clear. I do not want you to misinterpret this last statement. Whenever you sow, you sow to reap. This is also true when it comes to loving your wife but, when you sow agape love, you give from your heart whether you reap or not. God loves the world and He knows there will still be those who will reject Him until they die. Yet God continues to love those who reject Him just as much as He does those who give their lives to Jesus forever. "God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8. This is the attitude of love we must have towards our wives. We are to love them regardless of whether they ever love us in return. When we can love this way, we are truly loving our wives as God loves the world. Now let me make this clear. If you love your wife like this, she will love you in return. Many men say, "that’s the way I love my wife and she still doesn’t love me or do what I say". When I hear this, it is obvious these men may love their wives but not with agape love. How do I know? Because agape love never responds with this attitude. It may be love, but not agape love.

I remember when my wife and I were in the process of restoring our marriage I tried to do everything she wanted. I cleaned the house. I even cleaned the bathroom, which I hate. I was nice, or at least I thought I was. Yet, no matter what I did, she still didn’t respond the way I hoped she would. I prayed and told God that I was doing my part and she wasn’t doing hers. I told God that it seemed as though I was doing all the work and all the changing and she wasn’t doing anything to try to help our marriage. In fact, she was making it more difficult. To my surprise, God made it clear to me it was my responsibility to love my wife, not hers to love me. He told me she would love me as I loved (agape) her. God said I was to continue to love her regardless of what I saw or felt. So, I continued to put on a smile and put on my Jesus love. (This means when I didn’t feel like it, I smiled and did as I knew God would have me to do.) To my surprise, as time went on the Jesus smile that I put on everyday slowly became real. Where I was putting on Christ at first, after time it became me. To my wonderment my wife began to respond. I noticed she was being nice to me and I really enjoyed being around her. One day I was bold and I asked her about her changing attitude toward me. Do you know what she said? She told me she noticed, or discerned in her heart, that I had changed - not on the outside only, but on the inside, also. In other words, the Christ I was putting on everyday finally became who I was. (This happened in our marriage - I’m still working on the other areas.) She responded to Jesus in me. The agape love of God in me toward my wife was real. It was this true and unselfish love that transformed her attitude and love toward me. Wow, what God can do if we will follow His plan.

Men, don’t think for a minute that this transformation in your life will be easy. It won’t be. You will be tempted to quit more times than not. But don’t quit! Your marriage is worth every effort and sacrifice you give. It is a long term commitment but it is worth the cost. Men, love your wives as Christ loves the church and they will love you in return. Don’t try to make your wife love you. That’s manipulation. Just love her with agape love and she will love you in return.

Until next time, God bless. Terry